Fully Alive

[My wife] said, "You know, when our marriage is at its best, you can listen and laugh and be spontaneous. You haven't been doing that for a while. I love that guy and I miss that guy."

I knew what she was talking about.

"I miss that guy too," I told her. "I'd love to feel free like that. But I feel like I'm carrying so many burdens. I have personnel issues and financial challenges at work. I have writing projects and travel commitments. I feel like I'm carrying this weight all the time. I get what you're saying, but I need you to know, I'm doing the best I can."

"No, you're not," she responded immediately. That was not the response I had anticipated. Everybody is supposed to nod their head sympathetically when you say, "I'm doing the best I can." But Nancy loves truth (and me) too much to do that. So she rang my bell.

"No, you're not. You've talked about how it would be good to see a counselor, or an executive coach, or maybe a spiritual director. You've talked about building friendships, but I haven't seen you take steps toward any of that. No, you're not." As soon as she said that I knew she was right.

But I didn't say that to her immediately because my spiritual gift is pouting, which I exercised beautifully over the next few days. As I did, a question emerged in my mind: What is it that you really want?

I began to realize that what I really want isn't any particular outcome on any particular project. Those are all just means to an end. What I really want is to be fully alive inside. What I really want is the inner freedom to live in love and joy.

-John Ortberg, The Me I Want to Be